Not even sure where to begin with this one.. today has been a big day.
Today, I saw the psychiatrist I was under during my 3 week stint in rehab. He was the first person I opened up to about everything, and when I say everything, I mean 6 pages full of past history (and I’m only 25). There was something about him that just made me want to keep talking, I’d never met someone who had that affect on me before. He’s also the one who gave me the initial BPD and dysthmia diagnoses (which was then confirmed by a couple of other professionals)
I went there to get a referral for DBT, which I am so excited to be starting. The precommitment phase starts at the end of the week.
DBT is something that I have two minds about; the first one is that it will be really beneficial for me, but the second is that it makes me feel like an idiot. All the things covered in DBT (I have a DBT workbook I purchased a few weeks ago) should be common sense, I feel like I should know and be able to utilise all aspects already.
While I was there we also discussed medication. When he first saw me, I was on Lexapro (antidepressant) with no great improvements. It got bumped up to the highest dose and still was riddled with depression, anxiety, intense mood swings, overwhelment, emptiness and suicidal ideations.
So I changed to sodium valproate (mood stabilizer) and mirtazapine (antidepressant and sleep aid) that change occurred about 7 weeks ago, since then things have gotten worse; I’ve gained 10kgs in that amount of time which is a horrid thing for me because I already have really bad self image issues and also it’s caused extreme agitation.
So, he changed my meds, yet again. This time, I’m trying Zoloft (antidepressant) and staying on sodium valproate.
Fingers crossed this is the one for me. I’m pretty over the medication rollercoaster.
The only good prescription so far has been oxazepam (benzo) as a prn, it has saved me from myself multiple times. After my suicide attempt 3 weeks ago, I trialed seroquel as a prn, it was the worst!
Anyway. I’m rambling. But it’s nice to let this all out, I feel as though I have no one to talk to it about, besides professionals..
Speaking of talking to people. I need to discuss, we’ll call her, Ms.M..
I met this girl, Ms.M. We immediately clicked on so many levels. We had a few great catch ups, but on the last one, she witness me at my worst. I won’t go into great detail on this, as the wounds are still fresh.
Understandably, she wanted to distance herself from me.
Not long after (and unrelated) was my suicide attempt. She then put herself forward as someone who wanted to help me. I clung to this notion, a lot more than I should have. She was becoming my “favourite person” before the incident and to hear that she wanted to come back into my life was amazing.
Our friendship didn’t last long.. the messages slowed down, but she never actually said she didn’t want to talk anymore.. a few of days ago, I messaged explaining my confusion and asking if I should stop trying to contact her, her response was “I don’t know, probably.”
Seriously!? That didn’t help my confusion at all, I had no idea what was running through her mind, but I left it.
Today, I messaged her something along the lines of “.. I wish we could still be friends.”
The response I got was, “I can’t talk to you, I have my own mental health issues.”
That absolutely shattered me. It’s making me think my friendship is a burden, due to my mental health. It’s throwing me off into a tangent, thinking all my old friends don’t speak to me anymore, because I’m too much to deal with. I try to be as stable as I can in friendships, I try to hide any issues that I’m dealing with, to save them the trouble. But hearing that, from her, fucking hurt.