Sober or not, who is Ruby?

Majority of my time now, is spent sober. 

Sober Ruby; questions herself constantly. Doesn’t know if she’s gay or straight, doesn’t know if she’s worthy of anyone’s love, doesn’t know if she’s a good person or not. 

Unsober Ruby; doesn’t give a fuck. Her sexuality doesn’t matter, she doesn’t care what people think, she knows her good deeds are worth while. 

I’m not sure which Ruby I prefer. 

Sober, my mind is clear but my anxiety and depression is high. I isolate and don’t put myself in a position that could help define me. 
Unsober, my anxiety and depression disappear, but so do my morals. I do things that I know I shouldn’t. 

I’m at this point, where I don’t know who the fuck I am. (Recovering) addiction and BPD run my life. I literally don’t have a say in who I am or how I act, I have no control whatsoever. It’s hard. In my mind, I know how I should be behaving, but actions do match my beliefs. 

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Appointments, Medications and Ms.M

Not even sure where to begin with this one.. today has been a big day. 

Today, I saw the psychiatrist I was under during my 3 week stint in rehab. He was the first person I opened up to about everything, and when I say everything, I mean 6 pages full of past history (and I’m only 25). There was something about him that just made me want to keep talking, I’d never met someone who had that affect on me before. He’s also the one who gave me the initial BPD and dysthmia diagnoses  (which was then confirmed by a couple of other professionals) 

I went there to get a referral for DBT, which I am so excited to be starting. The precommitment phase starts at the end of the week.
DBT is something that I have two minds about; the first one is that it will be really beneficial for me, but the second is that it makes me feel like an idiot. All the things covered in DBT (I have a DBT workbook I purchased a few weeks ago) should be common sense, I feel like I should know and be able to utilise all aspects already. 

While I was there we also discussed medication. When he first saw me, I was on Lexapro (antidepressant) with no great improvements. It got bumped up to the highest dose and still was riddled with depression, anxiety, intense mood swings, overwhelment, emptiness and suicidal ideations.
So I changed to sodium valproate (mood stabilizer) and mirtazapine (antidepressant and sleep aid) that change occurred about 7 weeks ago, since then things have gotten worse; I’ve gained 10kgs in that amount of time which is a horrid thing for me because I already have really bad self image issues and also it’s caused extreme agitation.
So, he changed my meds, yet again. This time, I’m trying Zoloft (antidepressant) and staying on sodium valproate.
Fingers crossed this is the one for me. I’m pretty over the medication rollercoaster.
The only good prescription so far has been oxazepam (benzo) as a prn, it has saved me from myself multiple times. After my suicide attempt 3 weeks ago, I trialed seroquel as a prn, it was the worst!
Anyway. I’m rambling. But it’s nice to let this all out, I feel as though I have no one to talk to it about, besides professionals..

Speaking of talking to people. I need to discuss, we’ll call her, Ms.M.. 

I met this girl, Ms.M. We immediately clicked on so many levels. We had a few great catch ups, but on the last one, she witness me at my worst. I won’t go into great detail on this, as the wounds are still fresh.
Understandably, she wanted to distance herself from me. 

Not long after (and unrelated)  was my suicide attempt. She then put herself forward as someone who wanted to help me. I clung to this notion, a lot more than I should have. She was becoming my “favourite person” before the incident and to hear that she wanted to come back into my life was amazing. 

Our friendship didn’t last long.. the messages slowed down, but she never actually said she didn’t want to talk anymore.. a few of days ago, I messaged explaining my confusion and asking if I should stop trying to contact her, her response was “I don’t know, probably.”
Seriously!? That didn’t help my confusion at all, I had no idea what was running through her mind, but I left it.
Today, I messaged her something along the lines of “.. I wish we could still be friends.”
The response I got was, “I can’t talk to you, I have my own mental health issues.”
That absolutely shattered me. It’s making me think my friendship is a burden, due to my mental health. It’s throwing me off into a tangent, thinking all my old friends don’t speak to me anymore, because I’m too much to deal with. I try to be as stable as I can in friendships, I try to hide any issues that I’m dealing with, to save them the trouble. But hearing that, from her, fucking hurt. 

All or nothing. 

Everything that occurs in my life is one extreme or the other. Either immensely good or devastatingly bad; there is no in-between, no shades of grey.
And sadly enough, lately in my life it’s been a lot more bad than good.
This all or nothing concept is something I’m working on with my therapist and will learn better strategies on dealing with it in DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) which I’ll hopefully be starting soon. Here’s what all or nothing is like for me..  

All or nothing isn’t referring just to things that have happened and the way that I judge certain events but also a way of viewing things that haven’t happened yet. Over thinking and over analysing a situation that is yet to leads me to a place of doubt; expecting the worst to occur, even if it isn’t necessarily the most likely scenario. 

This way of thinking often makes me isolate myself from others, fearing the worst. I had never realised fear of rejection was a symptom of mine, because I don’t often put myself in a place in which rejection can occur, but that in itself shows how deep the fear actually is. My all or nothing thinking makes me assume that I’ll get rejected, so I isolate.
Isolation is such a horrible thing; isolation = depression = isolation.. you get the drift, but that besides the point anyway.

This all or nothing concept also can be used to describe my emotions. I either feel something will all my might; so deeply it consumes me. Whether it be sadness, anger, happiness, no emotion is exempt.
If I’m not feeling an emotion with my everything, I am feeling nothing at all. It’s hard to describe ‘feeling nothing’, it’s like a void inside yourself, being completely numb to everything around you. It’s a crippling feeling.

This is where self harm/addiction often comes into the life of someone with BPD  (well it does/did for me) 
When you are feeling so overwhelmed with an emotion, it is so hard to make it stop and all you want is for it to stop. Cutting  distracts the mind for long enough to snap you out of it and alcohol (or other substances) can numb you and make you forget. On the flip side, we have emptiness. When we feel nothing, all we want is to feel something, anything and will go to any measures necessary to feel. 

All or nothing thinking also leads to the horrible feeling of worthlessness; if you’re not the best at something, you’re the worst at everything. Constantly feeling like you’re not worthy does horrible things to one’s ego. You unnecessarily shatter your self worth and it is hard to come back from that, to build yourself up again.
This in particular is something I need to work really hard on.
When you feel worthless, you don’t exert yourself as you normally would. You don’t attempt things you are actually capable of, because you feel like you won’t be able to achieve your goal. 

I will come back to this post, there’s definitely more to add! 

The identity struggle 

She is a mum, it’s all she knows. 
The tell-tale signs reside on her face. If you pay close attention, you can learn more about her, than she even knows about herself. 

The bags under her eyes, they represent the hours she has spent in a loving embrace with her child, while your were peacefully dreaming. 
Each line above her brow tells a different story; some of bliss, some of anguish. 

Her eyes, oh her eyes. Lifeless and lacklustre, until that moment her child is in her sight, it is then that you see all the love and compassion. 
Her life could be told, just by looking at her. 
Maybe if you look hard enough, you could tell her what she yearns to know, the question that is forever on her mind; “who am I, if not a mum?” 

And again..

Here it goes; yet ANOTHER attempt at blogging.
(I am known to be one who gives up on projects/ hobbies quite quickly.)

This time it’s going to be used as a therapeutic tool, so hopefully I actually utilise the blog more, in a bid to ease my mental health issue. 

Mental health issues?” I hear you say.
I’ve been on the treacherous road of recovery for close to a year now. My mental health has always been unstable, since I was a teen, but I hit (what I thought was) rock bottom with an alcohol addiction. This is when I finally sought out professional help. 

*insert multiple detoxs, rehab, falls off the wagon, police stations, a court hearing*- I may come back to this stuff later, but for now I’d rather leave it as a fleeting memory. 

I was diagnosed with Dysthymia Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. The moment I heard “Borderline” I threw myself into the worst train of thought, the only depiction of Borderline I had known was that of a socially awkward, overdramitic person. But when I actually read about BPD it was like a light bulb moment. So many things I had done in the past finally made sense. I knew it was going to be a long battle to stability, but it was something I was so excited to do, I was so ready you be normal again. Even though I don’t actually know what normal is for me? 

Anyway. There’s a quick reintro. I’m guessing most posts are going to be rambles; me trying to piece together my thoughts into words, verbal vomit in a bid to clear the clutter from my mind, that sort of stuff.