Sober or not, who is Ruby?

Majority of my time now, is spent sober. 

Sober Ruby; questions herself constantly. Doesn’t know if she’s gay or straight, doesn’t know if she’s worthy of anyone’s love, doesn’t know if she’s a good person or not. 

Unsober Ruby; doesn’t give a fuck. Her sexuality doesn’t matter, she doesn’t care what people think, she knows her good deeds are worth while. 

I’m not sure which Ruby I prefer. 

Sober, my mind is clear but my anxiety and depression is high. I isolate and don’t put myself in a position that could help define me. 
Unsober, my anxiety and depression disappear, but so do my morals. I do things that I know I shouldn’t. 

I’m at this point, where I don’t know who the fuck I am. (Recovering) addiction and BPD run my life. I literally don’t have a say in who I am or how I act, I have no control whatsoever. It’s hard. In my mind, I know how I should be behaving, but actions do match my beliefs. 

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One thought on “Sober or not, who is Ruby?

  1. I’m right there with ya girl! I just created a blog so I can write what it is my head at certain times so maybe I can go back and analyze myself a little better. I have been clean from meth now for almost 2 years and I still don’t know how to live and function as a normal adult. But I am slowly learning more and more about myself. It seems to me that the day after I have a bad day I usually get some answers and a little sanity. I drop to my knees constantly asking for guidance and clarity. So far it’s gotten me through. It’s not an easy road but you are not alone!

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