Majority of my time now, is spent sober.
Sober Ruby; questions herself constantly. Doesn’t know if she’s gay or straight, doesn’t know if she’s worthy of anyone’s love, doesn’t know if she’s a good person or not.
Unsober Ruby; doesn’t give a fuck. Her sexuality doesn’t matter, she doesn’t care what people think, she knows her good deeds are worth while.
I’m not sure which Ruby I prefer.
Sober, my mind is clear but my anxiety and depression is high. I isolate and don’t put myself in a position that could help define me.
Unsober, my anxiety and depression disappear, but so do my morals. I do things that I know I shouldn’t.
I’m at this point, where I don’t know who the fuck I am. (Recovering) addiction and BPD run my life. I literally don’t have a say in who I am or how I act, I have no control whatsoever. It’s hard. In my mind, I know how I should be behaving, but actions do match my beliefs.