All or nothing. 

Everything that occurs in my life is one extreme or the other. Either immensely good or devastatingly bad; there is no in-between, no shades of grey.
And sadly enough, lately in my life it’s been a lot more bad than good.
This all or nothing concept is something I’m working on with my therapist and will learn better strategies on dealing with it in DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) which I’ll hopefully be starting soon. Here’s what all or nothing is like for me..  

All or nothing isn’t referring just to things that have happened and the way that I judge certain events but also a way of viewing things that haven’t happened yet. Over thinking and over analysing a situation that is yet to leads me to a place of doubt; expecting the worst to occur, even if it isn’t necessarily the most likely scenario. 

This way of thinking often makes me isolate myself from others, fearing the worst. I had never realised fear of rejection was a symptom of mine, because I don’t often put myself in a place in which rejection can occur, but that in itself shows how deep the fear actually is. My all or nothing thinking makes me assume that I’ll get rejected, so I isolate.
Isolation is such a horrible thing; isolation = depression = isolation.. you get the drift, but that besides the point anyway.

This all or nothing concept also can be used to describe my emotions. I either feel something will all my might; so deeply it consumes me. Whether it be sadness, anger, happiness, no emotion is exempt.
If I’m not feeling an emotion with my everything, I am feeling nothing at all. It’s hard to describe ‘feeling nothing’, it’s like a void inside yourself, being completely numb to everything around you. It’s a crippling feeling.

This is where self harm/addiction often comes into the life of someone with BPD  (well it does/did for me) 
When you are feeling so overwhelmed with an emotion, it is so hard to make it stop and all you want is for it to stop. Cutting  distracts the mind for long enough to snap you out of it and alcohol (or other substances) can numb you and make you forget. On the flip side, we have emptiness. When we feel nothing, all we want is to feel something, anything and will go to any measures necessary to feel. 

All or nothing thinking also leads to the horrible feeling of worthlessness; if you’re not the best at something, you’re the worst at everything. Constantly feeling like you’re not worthy does horrible things to one’s ego. You unnecessarily shatter your self worth and it is hard to come back from that, to build yourself up again.
This in particular is something I need to work really hard on.
When you feel worthless, you don’t exert yourself as you normally would. You don’t attempt things you are actually capable of, because you feel like you won’t be able to achieve your goal. 

I will come back to this post, there’s definitely more to add! 

take 2

So.. this is take 2 at entering the blogging world. I actually forgot about my first attempt, until I tried to create a WordPress account & was notified that one was already made.

I’m doing this is a bid to let it all out. I have so many things to say, so many emotions & experiences to share, but not enough people to talk to. Typically Ruby. I’ll settle for the interwebs, what better place to send my rambles?

As much as I’d like to do this in chronological order, the emotions & thoughts will flow on to this page, the same way they do through my twisted mind.

But before I get the ball rolling, again, I’ll do a quick get to know my update..

I’m still Ruby-Jane. I still live in Dromana, although I’ve lived in a few other suburbs now. I’m still a mum, but I have two kids now, instead of one. (To different dad’s, may I add) 

& that’s it. For now.

Oh hey there, I’m new here ;)

Well…
Hello there.. If anyone is even reading this?

Already, it should be apparent that I am new to the blogging world, & clearly have no clue on where to begin.

So I guess will start by telling you a bit about myself..

I am Ruby.

Well, Ruby-Jane if you want to be technical. I haven’t addressed myself by that name for many years now.
Not too sure why though? It is quite a nice name..
Anyways I am babbling. So, I shall continue.

I am 20 years old, living in the beautiful beachside town called Dromana, which is on the Mornington Peninsula, in Victoria.
I rarely travel far from my area, & that’s the way I like it.

These facts are fairly trivial to my ‘being’, the thing that is most important about who I am, is my beautiful son Kai.
I had him when I was 19. His father is not in the picture anymore & I can’t be bothered to begin to talk about that, but I’m sure if you continue to read my blogs, you will learn a hell of a lot about him.

Another thing that plays a big part in who I am is my family, & the fact that it is not the way it should be.
It’s just me, my mum & my little brother Bryn.
My dad passed away the day after my 12th birthday.
I think this event has played a dramatic role in who I am, what I think, what I do, & why..
As with my child’s father, if you continue to read my blogs, I am sure you will learn a lot more about this subject also.

Ok, that’s all I can really be bothered writing about now, but I do feel the need to put in a few key words that have played large roles in my life.

honesty is the best policy!

Or so they say…
You can connect the dots, if you wish.
– drugs
– alcohol
– promiscuousness
– weight
– depression

Ok, bye for now
🙂